A Real and Actual Loss

I am overwhelmed by all of the feelings of the moment, that i am not even sure how to begin this. I feel as if I have lost something great today. The feeling is so like the day that I learned that I had miscarried (my third pregnancy). I know everything is going to be okay. I see and I am counting my blessings. And I am mourning the loss of a dream delivery I may never have.
You see, all of my life I have wanted babies. Lots of them. I have studied and prayed and pondered to know that my life's mission, my personal reason for being here, alive at this place and time, is to be a mother. And so, when I say my dream delivery, it is not a small thing. It is based on research and study and prayer and hope and determination. My dream delivery is so close to reality and for that, I am blessed. But, my reality never gets the happily ever after that my dream delivery does.
My body does great with pregnancy and delivery, until the baby is born. For me, what should be the happiest part of it all, is when my body starts to suffer. I have postpartum hemorraging and therefore, have always recieved pitocin to help stop the bleeding. Whether it is that pitocin, or something else, I experience a major emotional drop. I lose the high and sink low in an almost instant postpartum depression. And it lasts for a LONG time.
I had hoped that the bleeding was not really hemorraging and that I could avoid any pitocin, and that not having any artificial hormones would allow me to maintain a balance, and I wouldn't get depressed. My dream delivery is to be able to have my babies and not lose the balance afterwards. And today, as I realized that I really do hemmorage, and as I have researched and prayed and feel best to use pitocin to stop said bleeding, I feel a real and actual loss. I am losing the chance to have a chemical free delivery. And, while that still seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, it is a loss that I am mourning very actually and without apology. I am sad that I don't get to have my perfect delivery. Thank you all who have taken a moment to be sad with me.





And now... I can move on. I can go ahead and plan the next best thing birth. It will be beautiful and wonderful and awe inspiring. I am ready to prepare for this baby. Soon, I will be ready to hold this baby in my arms and shower him/her with love. I can't wait to share that with you too. Thank you for reading. Thank you for understanding.

Let Them Be...

This is after a half hour of screaming and throwing his body around. He did not want to nap and he was determined to make that known.
As I held him and tried to comfort him, I thought over the possible resons for such a tantrum. Naturally, I realized that he is probably entering his terrible twos. And right away I decided I disliked that title. Two is a hard thing to be!
Hard, new, different and difficult. But not terrible.
Two is a transition out of toddlerhood. A transistion into more independence and understanding of your world. A transition away from all of the things you have known for so long. Two is hard!
Then, I thought about three. I realized three is hard. Wanting to be your own person butnot quite being capable of doing everything you want to. Three is hard.
Four is knowing how you feel and what you think, but not quite knowing how to share it with the world. Life feels unfair when you are four. Four is hard.
And, as my mind continued down this path of how life gives us opportunities to grow, and how difficult these growths and changes can be, I wondered what, if anything I was doing to help or hinder my childrens' progress.
William's tantrum was calming down and I watched as he prepared himself to sleep and thought to myself, "just let him be."

And so, as I recognize this difficulties of life for young kids, I have a new goal to let them be.
To let my two year old be grumpy and frustrated and overwhelmed with his transition in life. To let him be two.
To let my three year old be adventurous and daring and slow as he learns to conquer his world on his own.
To let my six year old be silly and bossy and free as she starts to really let her humor and personality shine through.
To let my eight year old be lonely and determined and independent as she begins her life of accountability.


This isn't to say that I plan to let my kids face these transistions on their own. But rather than pushing them to grow up and move pass these stages, I am going to stand by their side and let them experience each of these growing pains for as long as they need to. I am going to stop pushing my kids to develop and grow and change, only to mourn the time once it has passed. I am going to just be there as I let my kids just be what they are, when they are. And hopefully, we will all make it through these stages together, happily.

switch

3-14-14

Switching perspectives

I was busily working and thinking today, when a shift took place in my thoughts. I went from I need to... and I want to... to I've already... and I also... When it happened it was entirely subconscious, but I quickly recognized the difference it could make in my day. So, I have decided to try to daily keep a list of my and my family's accomplishments.
Lydia:

-cooked dinner and extra meat for future use

-prewashed diapers, they should be washed by the end of the night.

-showered :)

-went to the library

-turned in an application

-straightened the house

-did a load of dishes for Philip

-spent one-on-one time with the girls

-learned about the phases of the moon

-researched solar system resources

-cleaned at the church building

-wrote

Alexis:

-read

-helped clean at church

-straightened the house

-one-on-one time with mom

-colored

-learned about the phases of the moon

-began to learn about the solar system

-invented a wheelbarrow exercise game

Emily:

-helped clean at church

-read

-straightened the house

-one-on-one time with mom

-colored

-learned about the phases of the moon

-began to learn about the solar system

Nater:

-pulled his shorts over his cloth diaper by himself

-helped clean at church

-colored

-played outside

-helped straighten the house

-had a batman conversation with Jayce

-met a friend at the library

Liam:

-threw away trash

-put dishes in the sink

-loaded silverware into the dishwasher

-had a good, long nap

-helped clean at church

Emotions

3-1-14

An Absorber of Emotion

I remember once a brief mention by someone at church about depression. Her actual words are lost to me, but they conveyed to me a most interesting concept. That those who experience depression are a gift to others. Because those who experience depression absorb the feelings of others and hold them so that the others don't have to.
Is anyone else an absorber of emotions? Do you feel what others feel? Do you understand them even when they don't understand themselves? Have you ever walked through a store and seen a complete stranger and felt a connection. Nothing like a love-at-first sight, a very different connection. As if, by just being in the presence of that person, you could feel what they felt. Sometimes a story comes along with in and you understand why they are feeling the way they do. Sometimes, all you get is the pain. You smile at them, and it is so much more than a friendly gesture. You offer them true empathy. You really are feeling their pain.

The trouble, for me has lied in what to do with that pain. I sometimes become so enveloped in emotions that I feel as if I were drowning in them. My dear, sweet husband has been an anchor for me in these times from the beginning of our courtship. I often tell him that I need him, because he can stop me from spinning. Tonight, he did so much more.

I was in one of those attacks of emotions. My world had shifted out from under me and though we were at a better angle, I was losing balance and falling head over heels. I tried to explain this feeling to Philip. He encouraged me to pray, to let go, and to fill my thoughts with happiness. It wasn't until we were saying our prayers together that his words came together in completeness and truth. The things he told me came to me in “Lydia words” and it all made sense.

I will share it with you, in case “Lydia words” are the words that make sense to you too.

I don't have to feel this pain. I don't have to, because Christ already experienced it for me. And, what's more, he doesn't want me to feel it. He wants to take it from me so that I can find completion and joy and happiness through Him. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be given unto you. He would gladly take the suffocating emotions from me if I just asked Him to. So, I started big. “I feel so hurt and afraid because of ______. I know that Christ has already felt these things so that I don't have to. I know that the person has repented and they won't have to feel the pain they caused me either. So, please take this pain away from me so that I can be happy instead. Please replace this pain with the love I feel for this person, with this person's smile and these special moments. When I think of this situation please help me to feel the joy of these special moments instead of the pain that you have already taken from me.”

And, it works. I think so often we hold on to our pain because without it, we feel void. We feel an emptiness inside and we don't know how to fill it. And rather than feel that emptiness, we accept the pain and sadness. I think that was my biggest problem before. I would try to let go of things before, but the emptiness that letting go left me with was it's own kind of pain. So I learned to hold on to the pain. Now, I am learning a new way. A way to let go of the pain and fill the emptiness.

I am so grateful to be blessed with the ability to read and understand people. I am so grateful to be blessed with the emotions that come with a tender heart. I am grateful for Philip and all that he does to help me learn and care for and understand how to make my body and spirit one. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and His loving guidance. I am so incredibly grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and all His atonement. I am grateful that He was willing to sacrifice and take our sins and sorrows upon Himself. I am grateful, that through Him I can be made whole again. “Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to thee. How great thou art! How great thou art!”

Long

3-1-14

A LONG Week

We have been sick this week. Nater started things off with a rash, that I am sure was fifth disease (slapped cheek). We read up on it and learned that it typically begins with flu-like illness and fever and after a week the rash appears, spreads, and then goes away. Once you are past the flu-fever stage, you are no longer contagious. I hadn't remembered Nater having any pre-rash symptoms, but he rarely behaves sick even if he is.

William, I learned, is the opposite. He acts miserable the entire time he is sick. Screaming, crying and wanting endless attention. He cries because he is hungry and then cries at the thought of eating or drinking. Poor boy got sick on Monday. Stayed sick for a couple days and started again at the end of the week. The girls both spent a night sick this week, and I spent most of one day in bed, because I was not feeling well. When I wasn't in bed, I was washing clothes and changing beds and bathing a VERY unhappy boy (he hates baths even more when he is sick)!

It has been such a long week! Philip has stayed healthy, as he has avoided contact with us and has been busy at work. I think we are on the mend, and most of the mess is cleaned up and taken care of. We are trying to get back to life as usual, though it may take some time.

Baptism Preview

2-28-14

Baptism Preview

We have a large class of seven year olds in primary this year. And a handful of the six year old class that are already seven. So, we threw together an eight is great, or baptism preview for them. It was a chance for those kids and their parents to come and learn a bit more about baptism and what they need to do to prepare. It turned out pretty well, and gave me an opportunity to make another “party”. I am really loving that aspect of primary.

We started with some talks on baptism, confirmation, and the activities for 8-11 year olds in the church. My favorite was the two youth that shared their thoughts and testimony on baptism. They were older siblings to some of our seven year olds, and had been baptized in the past couple years. They were so genuine and sincere in their excitement for the kids that are preparing for baptism. The Primary president gave each of the kids a bag of items to help them learn about and remember the importance of baptism. Lex LOVES her bag and shared it with us for a family home evening.

After the talks we moved to the gym for a game. It was a “road to righteousness” that mom and I made up. They followed the road in groups and stopped at the signs and discussed the scenarios. I think they had a lot of fun. Then we went and had cake and socialized. Everyone helped clean up and we were done. I think it was totally worth it doing. I am excited that Lexi wants to be baptized and I can't wait for her special day!

Scouts

Scouts

When I was called to serve in the Primary presidency at church I was thrilled (the primary presidency is a group of ladies that work to manage the programs and classes for children ages 18 months-11 years old). I LOVE PRIMARY! I was excited to learn that I would be serving with some of the most awesome people I know. I was so hopeful of all that I could learn from them, and knew that I would grow more from this calling then I would help anyone else to grow. Nothing could burst my bubble!

Until...

Scouts! I was the primary leader over the scout program. While that didn't burst my bubble, it did poke a hole and allow some happy air to escape from it. Don't get me wrong, I think the scouting program is inspired. I think it is a great tool to help build the leadership and character of young boys across the world. But, I didn't really ever want to be a part of it. I planned on sending my boys to scouts. I was grateful that they would have the program available to them. I thought it was fitting when I learned that Philip was going to be called as a Cubmaster. He would do great in and with the scouts. But, I wanted to let others do all the work of scouts. I was more than content to sit back and let the program do it's work of building character and training leaders WITHOUT me!

My how that has changed!

For any who may be unfamiliar with how scouting works within our church, leaders are not volunteer-based, as they are with other scout units. We are asked by the leaders of our church to fulfill a calling that we believe is from God. If they ask us to be in scouts, it is because they too feel that Heavenly Father wants us to be in the scout program at that time. He is teaching me so much through this program and I am certain that He did indeed want me to be involved in scouts at this time.

And so, we are working hard to make our pack's scout program everything it should be. We are falling short all the time (such as planning our pinewood derby AFTER the district wide derby, thereby disqualifying our boys from going to district). But we are continually learning and growing and things are falling into place.

And we could not do it without our boys, their parents, and the wonderful leaders that have accepted callings into the scouting program. We are incredibly grateful to them. And so, we decided to make our Blue and Gold banquet an event to honor them.

We had a camping theme to go along with the month's value of resourcefulness. I did all that I could to make everything tie into that camping theme. It was a LOT of fun! And it turned out to be a great night!

Our Giant Smore cake

Beginning to hand out awards

I am grateful now, to be in scouts. I am grateful that I get a preview of the program before my boys enter it. I look forward to using the program, and all I have learned about it for my family. Heavenly Father sure does know what He is doing, and I am glad He chose me to be over the scouting program.

Living the Dream

2/28/14

I'm Living My Dream!

There is a lot I want to write about, and a lot of it will be fun and not very serious. But, I also want to share some of the serious thoughts, realizations, and paradigm shifts that I have been experiencing lately.

I am living my dream!

It took me months and months to realize that simple fact. You would think it would be obvious to a person when they were spending every day doing the things they love most to do. Nonetheless, it took me months to see that I am doing just that, and have been for years.

There are so many things that factor into this realization, that I can't narrow down when it began. I have been studying “Thomas Jefferson Education” learn more here and have been trying to use the knowledge from it to shape my life. I believe that we all have a mission here in life, and I began to ponder and search for my personal mission. As it is with many stages of life, I noticed that everyone around me seemed to be in, or had recently gone through a similar stage. Everyone was learning who they were. They were defining what would make them happy and they were reaching for those things.

I discussed with them the changes I saw. Discussed the whys and hows and whens of their changes. I saw the way they were inspired and dedicated and I felt so lost. I wanted that inspiration, that drive and ambition to do MORE. I wanted to do everything they were doing- but I mostly wanted to find MY drive. I wanted to know what I should be doing. And so I kept searching.

My dear family and especially my husband were so good to follow me on my journey. I insisted to my husband that my home and family life were simply not ENOUGH and that I needed to find the thing that would give ME, LYDIA a sense of completion and would make me who I am. Philip patiently listened as I spilled out plan after plan after plan of all the things I would do to make me, ME. He graciously supported me in declaring that I could not be JUST a mom and a wife and insisted on being given the freedom to do more. To be LYDIA first, wife and mother second. He stepped up and filled in the gaps I was leaving as I was looking for the thing that would fulfill me.

And then, over time, it hit me. This quest was making me miserable. Time and time again, what I wanted most was to cuddle my kids in my lap and read to them. I wanted to organize and clean the house and see to it that order was maintained. I wanted to kiss and hug and talk to my husband. The more I tried to find the Lydia that was not just a wife and a mother, the more I craved the wife and mother moments. My soul ached for them and they became all I ever wanted.

Then it hit me. They ARE all I ever wanted!

As a kid, I dreamed of my future and I saw a husband and children and me as a teacher. I knew from such a young age that what I wanted most was to be a mom. Secondly, I would be a teacher and an artist. I even considered being a pediatrician. But all my plans, all my dreams centered around the work I could do for and with children. Being a mom is ALL I EVER WANTED!!!

And now, I am fortunate to realize that in order to live my dream I don't need more of any NEW thing. I need more appreciation and dedication to the things I already have and love.

My dream is fulfilled in the deep and meaningful conversations I have with my kids as they contemplate this life and how things in it work.

My dream is fulfilled as I follow my husband in all of our ups and downs and know that he is always by my side.

My dream is fulfilled in my growing belly that swims with life.

My dream is fulfilled in knock knock jokes and tickles and adventures of my children's lives.

My dream is fulfilled in the quiet hours of reading to my kids as they drift to sleep.

My dream is fulfilled in homeschooling and finding learning in all aspects of life.

My dream is fulfilled in blogging and scrapbooking and taking pictures of all the moments that become a lifetime of memories.

My dream is fulfilled in being me; Lydia, wife, mother, sister, friend, artist, teacher, photographer, writer, reader, ME!

As I have realized my mission and my dream in life and as I have been living them with more purpose and drive. I could not be happier. I wish I could find these dreams for everyone and bask in the happiness they find as they live their dreams. We are working on recognizing Philip's dream and will jump at the chance to fulfill it as fully as we can, once it is recognized. As my children dream I work to provide them with every resource I can to allow them to live their dreams. I know that not everybody's dream is complete with being a mom. What a boring world it would be if we all had the same mission in life. I know that there are people who feel like having a dream other than that of being a mom somehow lessens the mother that they are. I wish you could see how that concept is a lie. You can be your greatest by living your dream. And when you are your greatest, you will be a better mom. Even with a dream of being a mom, I was not doing as well as I could until I decided to live my dream fully. I wish you all happiness and fulfillment as you find your own dreams and work to make them a reality.

A Great and Many Things

There is so much I have been wanting to blog about. But, we no longer have internet at home and I refuse to blog everything on the phone. So, I plan to write and write and write. Later I will take my laptop to an internet source and share all the things I have written. So, this is all for now, but watch for much more to come.

A Gift Of Answered Prayers

I have spent the past couple days in almost constant pondering and prayer. If you read my previous post, you know that we were considering and planning a move to Idaho. In brief, here is how things panned out.

Philip called. He knew that he was to quit work and we were to move to Idaho.

I wrote lists, researched, planned and prayed all day. We could either quit or move but not both.

I talked to Philip and said I needed him to work the oil rig for two more months and then I could make Idaho possible. He said he would pray about it. At that point, I knew for certain that we needed to move soon and not quit soon. And Philip knew that we needed to quit and that we would move eventually.

I prayed. I very specifically asked for certain feelings to know for sure which aspects of the plan were right and which were not.

Philip prayed to see if he should work longer for me.

We got our answers. Exactly the way we asked for them.

Philip can work the oil rig up to two more months, for my sake, but he does need out of that environment.
We will be going to Idaho, but it does not have to be right away. The year or so time line is back on the table.
We NEED to go to the temple. There are more answers that await us at the temple.

So, for now. We are facing changes and looking forward to receiving a clearer perspective at the temple. We will work towards finding a different job here and preparing the house to sell.

I have enjoyed this opportunity to work together with my husband and Heavenly Father to deeply seek out answers and His plan for our lives at this time.

I am so grateful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the comfort that comes from knowing that He does, indeed, have a plan for my life.

WHAT???!!!!

Okay, so I have been feeling a pull to Idaho for some time now. And I knew we would be moving within a year.
This morning my husband called and feels really strongly that that schedule needs to be moved up to like within a month or two.
WHAT???!!!!!
The scariest part is that it feels right. We do need to move and we need to move SOON!
So, today has become a day of lists and preparing and figuring things out. Yay?!

I'll keep you updated, but as of now, it looks like we are moving. And moving SOON!

Self Realization

Alexis has hit a really fun stage. She has begun to really think a lot about who she is and what makes her who she is.
She spends a lot of time saying things like, "I am just the same as Daddy because..." And a lot of "I really like to do ______ because I am really ______."
She has begun making goals (I will get 12 categories of toys cleaned up by 12:00) and resolutions (two habits I am cutting back on).
She is figuring out who she is. She, luckily, seems to love who she is. She likes for us to acknowledge the traits she sees in herself. She loves to define herself. She has begun to try and decide how those traits will guide her future. She is trying to take the steps to become the type of person she wants to be.
I couldn't be more excited for her! Or more surprised by how much she is growing. I sure do love that girl!

I sure do love all these kiddos!

Fulfillment

I wrote this just before going to sleep last night:

Such an exciting day, as I feel that many things are falling into place. We met with our midwife today. She had answers for all of my concerns about a homebirth. And we feel confident in proceeding with the plan. I am excited and have such a thirst to learn and grow and do more. I want this to be my best pregnancy and delivery yet. And I think it will easily be my best postpartum. We are going to work on my diet and lifestyle to help eliminate the chances for depression. If I could figure out how not to get depressed after each one, I may never stop having babies.
I am excited to think of the learning opportunities this presents for my family and especially for my daughters. They seem to be interested in being around for the birth and I am excited to share the event with my family.
Another thing that is falling into place is our family bed room. So many of us crave a family bed. I used to always lie down with the girls and read and sing and talk to help them sleep. Lately all of my kids have been asking to have me with them while they fall asleep as Philip is away. So, we are back to one room for sleep and one for play. Tonight I laid with them and read six chapters of the book, Holes. So, we not only get the closeness of being together, but we get in good reading time too. And, once the reading is done I get to come out and enjoy time and space either to myself or with Philip.
There is still a lot of work to do and a lot of progress to make. But the life we are creating becomes more beautiful every day.
I thank the Lord for all He has blessed our lives with. Every day I am filled with gratitude to have these kids in my life. I hope that as we continue to declutter and minimize things our love and joy will continue to expand and our peace will continue to be magnified.