I am overwhelmed by all of the feelings of the moment, that i am not even sure how to begin this. I feel as if I have lost something great today. The feeling is so like the day that I learned that I had miscarried (my third pregnancy). I know everything is going to be okay. I see and I am counting my blessings. And I am mourning the loss of a dream delivery I may never have.
You see, all of my life I have wanted babies. Lots of them. I have studied and prayed and pondered to know that my life's mission, my personal reason for being here, alive at this place and time, is to be a mother. And so, when I say my dream delivery, it is not a small thing. It is based on research and study and prayer and hope and determination. My dream delivery is so close to reality and for that, I am blessed. But, my reality never gets the happily ever after that my dream delivery does.
My body does great with pregnancy and delivery, until the baby is born. For me, what should be the happiest part of it all, is when my body starts to suffer. I have postpartum hemorraging and therefore, have always recieved pitocin to help stop the bleeding. Whether it is that pitocin, or something else, I experience a major emotional drop. I lose the high and sink low in an almost instant postpartum depression. And it lasts for a LONG time.
I had hoped that the bleeding was not really hemorraging and that I could avoid any pitocin, and that not having any artificial hormones would allow me to maintain a balance, and I wouldn't get depressed. My dream delivery is to be able to have my babies and not lose the balance afterwards. And today, as I realized that I really do hemmorage, and as I have researched and prayed and feel best to use pitocin to stop said bleeding, I feel a real and actual loss. I am losing the chance to have a chemical free delivery. And, while that still seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, it is a loss that I am mourning very actually and without apology. I am sad that I don't get to have my perfect delivery. Thank you all who have taken a moment to be sad with me.
And now... I can move on. I can go ahead and plan the next best thing birth. It will be beautiful and wonderful and awe inspiring. I am ready to prepare for this baby. Soon, I will be ready to hold this baby in my arms and shower him/her with love. I can't wait to share that with you too. Thank you for reading. Thank you for understanding.
We carries these babies inside of our bodies for nine months, allowing them to grow and prosper while we connect spiritually and emotionally with the baby. A dream delivery is a very real thing as this unison of one becomes a separation into two and it is hard both on the mother and child, As a mom we want what is best for the child and what will allow us to be the best mother and nurturer the child can have. You emotions are very real and I hope you know I validate what you are feeling. As you mourn the loss, remember that despite the trial, they are there for a reason. I admire you for realizing the capabilities of your body and doing what is best for the both of you! good luck on your home birth!
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