It is August 1st and I am supposed to blog. Today I feel really emotional and scatter-brained and a bit crazy. But I want to try to get some of these thoughts and emotions into words. So, bear with me. This is a serious post and is not much about my current family, but about the family I grew up in. It is a letter to two families- that have changed my life forever.
Dear Donor Families,
I don't even know how to begin to express the thoughts and emotions I have been feeling. How does one thank somebody for the sacrifice that you have made? How does one begin to describe the joy and love and happiness they are feeling to you, when they know that you are at that time feeling intense loss and sadness? How does one say thank you for giving up your love one, so that I can have mine?
I remember, though I was still very young the day I learned about renal failure. I remember a brochure meant to explain to kids what renal failure meant. It was a fun twist about something- the-kid. The-kid part being short for kidney. I remember that Dad's kidneys didn't work anymore. Life changed. Dad changed. I guess, when you are young all you know of life is what you live. I didn't know that it wasn't normal to spend hours visiting a loved one in the hospital. I didn't know it wasn't normal to have nurses that knew you and greeted you by name. I didn't know it wasn't normal to constantly be watching for your parent to be sick and as a child, knowing what level of sick meant a hospital visit and what level meant he could still be at home. I didn't know it wasn't normal. Because to me, it was normal. It was life.
I remember when I first began to learn about transplants. I knew that family could donate and that the best chance of finding a match would be Dad's brothers. I knew that if you didn't have a family member that could donate you would be put on a list and you would wait for a transplant donor. I think I probably knew that to have a donor someone had to die. But I don't think I had realized the impact death could have on those left behind. I knew Dad was sick, but I never realized that he could die. I didn't put together the connection that in order for my dad to live, somebody else would have a loved one die.
I became a huge organ donor advocate! I would share all I knew with others. I would encourage everyone I talked to about donation to be an organ donor. I spent many of my high school years meeting people and checking their driver's licenses for the organ donation heart. I believed organ donation was one of the greatest gifts a person could give and could not imagine why any one would not want to share one last gift with the world if they died.
I remember the excitement, the nervousness, the joy and overwhelming feelings when dad got his first kidney transplant. I was entering junior high that week and knew enough to know that life was going to change again. This time, the change would be for the better. I remember hearing a little about the donor. Honestly, all I remember is that the person was young and died in a motorcycle accident. I remember as a family talking and working together to write a letter to the donor family. I was grateful, and truly felt that my gratitiude could be conveyed by saying "thank you." Still, after knowing that the person who gave my dad a kidney had left this life, I still could not relate to the people who were facing such loss. I was so happy and felt like everyone in the world was just as happy as I was.
It was several years before the wonderful, gifted kidney began to fail too. Technology had advanced so greatly that Dad could now do dialysis at home. I talked to Dad about the possibility of being tested to be an organ donor. Because I was pregnant at the time he went back on a transplant list I decided to wait to be tested. Then, after talking to Dad, I felt like he would prefer not to have me tested because I still planned on having children and he would not want my body compromised in any way that could prevent me from doing so. (I do not know if live donors can or are encouraged to have children after donating a kidney- but I felt like it was not best to keep looking into it.) Dad didn't get as sick this time. He didn't practically live at the hospital, and I no longer lived at home, so it was easy to forget that he was even on a transplant waiting list. It was easy to forget how sick his body really was.
Again, I felt such joy, excitement, and nervousness when I found out that Dad was again preparing to leave for a transplant surgery. But this time, I felt something new. I felt a sympathy for the family that was making this sacrifice. I thought about them, about what they must be going through. I thought of the wounds that were still so fresh for them. I thought of the pain they felt, of how badly they must miss their loved one. I still felt an immense gratitude and joy, but this time it came with a side of grief for the life that was lost. I found myself wondering about the person that was giving this kidney. I found myself thinking about who might be in their family. Did they leave behind a spouse? children? Did their parents have to bury their child? I found myself wondering about the comforts they were receiving at this time. Did they believe in life after death? Did they not? Did their beliefs make this decision easier or harder to make? Did they consider saying no? Did they regret saying yes? Was it any comfort to them to know that because of their choice, I would not be facing the same pain they were? As I thought all of these things I prayed over and over for them. These strangers whom I knew nothing about but who had given me my Dad back. I reflected back on the gift that had been given before and prayed that time had helped heal that family's wounds and that they too, would have peace.
So, how do you begin to say thank you for this? How do you put into words feelings so mixed and deep? How do write love and gratitude of this magnitude?
Dearest Donor Families,
I am sorry for your loss. You loved one was an amazing person and I know this because had they not been amazing, they could never have given the gift that they did. I want you to know that your loved one lives on in the hearts and thoughts of others. I will NEVER forget your loved one. I will never forget this gift. I will never forget you. I think of you often and hope that you are well. I wish I could see you and hug you and show you how much this gift means to me. Words can not express how grateful and touched I am. Thank you.
I want you to know that because of your selflessness, I have my dad. I still get to learn from him and joke with him and grow closer to him. My children get to know their Grampy. My babies will grow up and learn from him. My future children will get to know him and have him as a part of their lives. Because of you, he lives. Thank you. Thank you for the gift that gives to our family not only time with our loved one, but a better quality of life. Thank you for the gift that gives to my dad better health and freedom from illness. Thank you. Thank you for seeing past your loss and sadness to the joy that we can have. Thank you for sharing even when you were hurting. Thank you for loving, giving, and blessing our lives the way you have. I can not express my gratitude enough. You have made the world a better place and I am forever grateful.
Love,
Lydia
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