You Say You Trust Me, Now Mean It

This whole pregnancy has been filled with prayer and pondering. I have tried to grow closer to my Heavenly Father as I try to accept His will for all parts of this pregnancy. I feel that His answer has often been, "you say you trust me, now mean it." He has given me so many opportunities to put my trust fully in Him and His plan for our family. I have a feeling that isn't going to change any time soon. The good news is, I am sincerly meaning it when I pray, "according to Thy will."

So, let's go back. Philip and I have prayed after the birth of each of our children to know whether we should be on birth control, whether we should keep trying for more kids, and whether or not God would have us have more. We feel that the decision to bring life in to this world is an important one, that should be shared between husband, wife, and God. And so we pray and listen for our answers.

When I was pregnant with Joseph I felt and knew that my body needed more of a break. I needed to wait and give my body time to heal. I also knew that our family needed time to learn to be a family of seven. I talked to Philip and he felt the same. We prayed and it was confirmed that we should wait. And so, when I knew I was ovulating, we began to discuss birth control. We had a plan and felt it was right. But soon, I wanted another baby. I wanted to try again. My heart ached for a child that I knew needed to come to our family soon. I wanted soon to be now. I prayed and was told that we could choose to get pregnant now or later and that all would be well. I was ready and was going to have another baby as long as it was what Philip wanted.

He was less certain. But trusted that it would happen when it was meant to happen. And so it happened. I dreamed that night of "two balls slamming into the walls of my cervix". I didn't think the dream could be real but the suspicion was there- could I be having twins? Several friends and family members seemed to think I was. Even worse, Dad, who had announced every one of his girls' pregnancies as twin pregnancies didn't say he thought it was twins. My prayers began to include, "if it is your will help me to accept it." By the time I had my first midwife appointment I was ready to know for sure what we already suspected. She measured me and said, "you really do have twins."

We confirmed the twin pregnancy with an ultrasound. Two babies, two sacs, two placentas. TWO!!!! I drove an hour home with just that one word running over and over through my mind. TWO BABIES! Philip told the kids and we all began to plan for two new babies to enter our lives. My prayers went to their health and safety, "if it is your will, please let....." I prayed to have a home birth. I prayed to have at least one girl, I prayed the babies would grow big and strong and healthy. I prayed to survive. I prayed to be able to raise seven kids. I prayed and prayed and always with, "if it is your will, please let..."

Baby A= Philip IV

Then we had a gender reveal. We found out it is two boys. I had prayed for at least one girl and he sent me two boys. I was to be the mom to five boys in a row- all five and under. How was I going to do this? Yet, I knew it was God's will and so I prayed to accept and trust His will. By this point I knew that I needed to trust that I was not in charge. I couldn't pick and choose what I wanted for this pregnancy and for these babies. Heavenly Father had sent them to us and He has a plan for us all. I was really beginning to accept that plan. My prayers became more, "help me to know Thy will and sincerly accept it." I felt good and confident that Heavenly Father's plan will be for the best of us all. I had learned the lesson the pregnancy was meant to teach me and felt that the surprises were done. I didn't know that the biggest surprise was to come.

Baby B= Samuel?

Heavenly Father knows me and prepares me for things to come. I had gone to my consultation appointment a day early and faced all the stress of finding a new office in the middle of the city and parking in a parking garage for the first time. I went it for my appointment and was told that I was a day early and they could not fit me in. I would have to come back tomorrow. I called my midwife, because I needed assurred that it was really worth it to go to this appointment. Afterall, it was just a precaution- checking with the "specialist in problems, not because there are problems but because they are the experts we need in case problems arise." She asked me to go and encouraged me to do what it is best. She assured me that we would be able to discuss everything and make decisions once I had gone. I knew I would keep my appointment but with a heavy heart. I couldn't explain why I didn't want this appointment to happen, but I knew I wasn't ready for it.

Philip, poor Philip, knew that something was wrong, but didn't know what. He felt that because I wasn't talking to him it must have been something he had done. He kept offering support but not pushing me to talk. It wasn't him, it was this building sense of dread and worry that I couldn't talk about because I had no thoughts or words to explain it. I put my body to work so that my mind could work things out. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned in the kitchen. Philip came and helped and offered support as he was able, and then it finally hit. I broke down. I cried and cried and cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I began to have a panic attack- heart racing, mind firing in all directions, and unable to catch my breath. Philip said to stand and lean back. I did and it made me cough and breathe. I calmed down and was okay. The emotions I had been trying to comprehend finally had words to go with them. I grabbed my tablet and started to type it all out with my eyes closed. It was a mess, but now we knew. I was worried about going to the appointment because I felt like it could change our lives. I felt out of control and didn't know what to expect. I prayed and Philip gave me a blessing. Once again, things were out of my hands and in the hands of the Lord. He assurred me in the blessing that I would have comfort, and peace, and strength. I was ready to trust Him and His will again. It felt like there was more to be said, but not now. Like the blessing was followed by "..."

Then it was time for the appointment. Philip and I, both expecting it to last an hour or so, had arranged for him to take the kids on his lunch while I went to the appointment. I went in and finished paper work with no issues. I waited a while and they called me back. I gave them a urine sample and they checked my weight and blood pressure. They put me in an ultrasound room and I texted Philip that it shouldn't be long. I am pretty sure the ultrasound itself lasted more than 40 min. The babies would NOT hold still at all. I could not lay on my back for more than a few moments and so the poor tech had to sit on the bed, while reaching for her controls with one hand and around me to my belly with the other. She was thorough in her testing and we talked almost the whole way through. Baby B was more cooperative and she quickly got all the measurements she needed from him- while I rested and almost fell asleep. I went back to the waiting room with a vague sense that there was concern with baby A's heart- though it could just be that she had to spend so much time on those measurements because he wouldn't hold still.

Then I met the specialist. He was a nice guy, one I felt instant trust with. We briefly talked about my previous pregnancies and how a twin pregnancy is different. Then he got straight to the point, "you noticed that Anna spent a lot of time looking at Baby A's heart". Turns out there is some widening of his aorta. They did not see any narrowing, but they usually go hand in hand. It could be nothing and he will outgrow it, it could be a heart defect, or it could be caused by a chromosonal defect. We made a game plan (midwife appointment on the 8th, another appointment and ultrasound with the high-risk specialist on the 9th, if things still don't look good on the ultrasound we will go see a pediatric cardiologist and see about chromosone testing). I, of course, came home and researched everything I can. Signs are pointing towards the chromosone defect. We feel that all will be well, no matter the results.

And so we trust in God and research and make a list of questions and wait. Thank you everyone that has included us in your prayers. We love you all and will keep you updated.