I've been thinking a lot about homeschool lately and I've been wanting to write out my thoughts and feelings. So, while this definitely affects my family- it isn't necessarily ABOUT my family at all. Mostly, it's about me (at least this first part is).
I can't remember a time when I didn't know what I wanted to be. I dappled in thoughts of other careers, but mostly, I have always wanted to be a teacher. I remember the excitement and nerves of starting kindergarten. I first met my kindergarten teacher before the school year started. Mom and Dad both came to the school with me and we toured the classroom. We all talked to my teacher together and then she wanted to talk to just me. I recall how important it felt then to show her how smart I was, how ready I was for school. I would be her favorite student and she would be able to tell that one day I would grow up to be just like she was. This means that at five years old I not only knew I wanted to teach, but I focused on learning how to be a teacher.
I watched my teachers. I can specifically remember lessons and deciding that the way they were taught was how I wanted to teach. I remember other lessons and deciding that I would NEVER teach that way. I did this through all of my school years. I didn't just evaluate the methods of my teachers at school. I evaluated my parents, babysitters, siblings, family, and friends. Anybody that ever ventured to teach me a lesson became a part of my paradigm of teaching. (As I am writing this I am sure there are at least a hundred people coming to mind. Hundreds of memories are forming my "vision" of teaching.) I knew I wanted to teach and I knew JUST what kind of teacher I would be.
The days passed and I began college. I felt so excited to learn on a new level. In some classes I did, in others- not so much. I felt like, at last, I would be exposed to experts in teaching. I would see in them all of the things I always wanted to be. I would be studying the methods and practices of teaching. All of the gaps would be filled and when I left with my degree I would be the person I always wanted to be. I would be an amazing teacher with fun, creative, and impactful lessons on every subject. I found methodologies I loved. I found others I hated. I completed my mental structure of teaching and was ready for everything. I was ready to finally be a teacher.
Then, I became a mother.
At first this didn't change anything with my teaching, except for timing. I would still be the teacher I had formed in my mind. I just wouldn't be that until all of my kids were in school. I would have an ideal job, with hours that were most similar to the schedules my kids kept. I would be able to fulfill both of my passions. I would be a mom and a teacher- I just had to wait a while longer. (On a side note: I wasted so many years waiting and not enjoying- I am mostly getting over that though)
I brought my teaching goals into my parenting. I read to my kids regularly (and even made my husband read to my belly before my kids were born). I bought toys for them that I loved for their teaching potentials. I would often find everyday tasks turning into learning experiences. I would talk and discuss things with my kids long before they were listening or curious enough to ask for information. I loved to learn and I wanted to share that with my kids. As often as possible, we were learning. I was amazed at the leaps and bounds they made as they grew. I took pride in the things they learned and in their intelligence.
Then, I found myself being the one to take my daughter to meet her kindergarten teacher. I had the same feelings of fear and excitement for her. I wanted more than anything for her teacher to REALLY see her value. Not just how smart she was, but how amazing she is. I also found myself becoming more and more concerned about what she would learn throughout the year. I regularly spoke with her teacher about what she was doing to help my daughter excel. I spoke to her about her curriculum. I spoke to her about homework. I never spoke to her about my other concerns but I worried- what other things would she be learning? I think this really hit me when I had debated with Alexis about why she would not be wearing flip flops to school. She came home that night with her trump card- flip flops were okay, because her teacher wore them. Mine (meaning really mine and my husband's) would no longer be the only influence in her life. She now looked up to another authority figure, and I had no say in what that authority figure would teach her. It was hard to let my little girl go. It was hard to leave her in the hands of another for so many hours of so many days. I missed her and I worried about her.
I think the first time I really considered home schooling came when she started to ask to not go to school. She had just begun what would be years of schooling and already she was learning to NOT love it. I did my best to really listen to her. Listen to and acknowledge her feelings, try to understand why she was feeling the way she was. I began to pray about her schooling (something I had never done before this point). I needed to protect her curiosity, her natural inquisitiveness, her desire and love of learning. I thought and prayed and worked out with my husband what was best for our family for that point in time. I knew that public school was not an option for us.
I had not yet decided to homeschool and she was no longer attending public school. We were on a middle ground. I was lost. We continued to learn at home the way we always had but teaching had suddenly become a weight, a burden, a fear. Things were inconsistent and very up and down in our lives and our schedules. I felt like I had to suddenly become the teacher I had put off being to parent. I had to be both parent and teacher and I could not find a balance to doing both. I felt that excelling at one made me fail at the other. I did tons of research and sought out many resources for answers. I had a time frame- a system had to be in place before it was time for her to start first grade. I could take my time and figure things out and not have legal pressures working against me. But I also had my guilt, my guilt of not doing enough, of not being the perfect teacher and mother for my kids right now. I often considered sending her to public school just so that I could be free of the responsibility of teaching her. I struggled.
Bit by bit and piece by piece I realized what my real struggling was. I was trying to be an ideal public school teacher in my home school setting. I began to see that everything I had learned and wanted to be were the very things behind our no public school decision. I couldn't teach my daughter because I no longer wanted to be the teacher I had always pictured myself to be. I did not want my children to be put through the system I had always wanted to work for. I no longer considered the same guidelines and standards to be important. I couldn't teach because I was seeing that what I wanted to teach was not what I wanted my family to learn. I realized that the methodologies that I loved were not in line with the system of teaching I had always planned. They could be adapted to that system, as I had planned to do, but they lost the basis of what made them life-changing theories. I realized that my children had already learned so much in life, and this was long before I even thought of homeschooling. I realized that the only reason I needed quantitative proof of my children's learning was because it made ME feel better and complete as a teacher. I realized that what needed to change was not how we were doing things, but how I viewed the things we were already doing. I had to change my definition of learning. I had to let go.
When I did that, a teacher was discovered. I realized that I am what I have always felt called to be. I am a teacher and I can do this. I no longer feel a burden or weight of teaching because I know that I have been given the gifts to teach naturally and easily. I am a teacher, and a mother, and they work so beautifully together. They uplift and edify each other. When I began to allow them to do that they no longer tore at and destroyed one another. We now have balance; me and my dual roles of mother and teacher.
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