Becoming

I am not a super mom! I am not a domestic goddess! I feel so far from those things sometimes. Lately, I have really been struggling. There are so many things I want to do. So many things that I have an intense NEED to do. Yet, I always feel like no matter how hard I try I can not get them done. I have been feeling so insufficient in many aspects. I have definitely been on the edge of depression and have been fighting not to give in, not to give up. Some days are better than others. Some days are wonderful, productive, and happy. Some days are miserable and sad. On those days, nothing gets done. I have lost my balance and though I fight to find it I have been unable.

And then...

- Have you ever heard the story or seen the demonstration of having a jar and trying to fill it will sand and pebbles and rocks? The lesson is that if you fill it first with the littlest things (the sand) and then try to fit the small things (the pebbles) and the big things (the rocks) in- it will not fit. However, if you take the same amounts of those three things and fit the biggest things in first, then the small things and finally the smallest things, they will all fit. I have heard this story and seen this demonstration so many times (which is probably why it came so quickly to mind when I needed it) but I have never felt a real NEED to follow it. I need this now. My husband and I discussed it and I asked him to politely remind me when I was filling the jar in the wrong order. He cleverly decided he would tell me to stop playing in the sand.

-We have a meeting at church where different members of the congregation are asked to speak on a topic. I hate that I don't remember who said these words but they spoke to me when I really needed them. In talking about the Atonement, she talked about becoming perfected. It occurred to me that perfection is a process of BECOMING. It is not so much a goal to be achieved, but a characteristic to develop and become. I can not achieve perfection by following my many lists and plans and goals. I must become perfected by following Christ's example. By becoming better every day, with every choice.

- Philip and I have talked for hours and  hours almost daily. Pouring over issues and concerns, digging down to the deeper levels and making plans to build ourselves back up. It's been rough! It's been emotional! It's been intense! It has been wonderful! I feel close to my husband in a new way. I no longer feel like I carry a majority of the weight of our family. We are working on carrying our burdens together, and most importantly- with the Lord's help. I truly feel like my husband listens to what I have to say. Hears and sees how I am feeling and then works to help me turn things around. I, of course, try to do the same for him. We don't have our relationship or communication skills perfected, but they are becoming so much more.

- I realize I can't do it all. I can't expect any one else to do it all either. I also realized that just because I can't do it all doesn't mean I shouldn't do it at all. I decided today that when I can't give anything else, I will give 15 min. Today we put this to the test for the first time. Instead of trying to clean everything myself, or nagging at the kids to take care of things for themselves; we set the timer for 15 min. and we all did what we could to help out. The timer went off and we all felt accomplishment. Everything is not done, but we gave everything we could for at least 15 min. I plan on doing this throughout our days with many things (not just cleaning).



I guess I am writing mostly to say that life is hard and overwhelming, but I realize that it is through the process of learning to manage hard and overwhelming that we become more. We become better. Someday, I may become a super mom. Someday, I may become a domestic goddess. Someday, I may not. But I don't care. Right now I care about becoming better today- even if it is just for 15 min. I am going to become better today than I was yesterday. And that makes me happy!