Healing: The Story of My Depression and Healing

To start I am debating whether or not to post this story here. I started the blog to keep extended family updated on our family. I continue to blog because I want my children to be able to look back and see what life was like when they were kids. I have found though, that keeping this blog and taking the time to write has been very therapeutic for me. I find myself thinking and working through emotions and feeling that the final step of dealing with them would be to blog about them. And so I share.

I know that I have been depressed on and off throughout my entire life. Like all people, I have face trials in my life. I am grateful for those trials and the way they have shaped who I am. I am the type, that feels emotions strongly, and I tend to hold pain inside of myself and keep it. It's almost as if letting go of pain meant that I was letting go of the experience and not allowing it to be an influential part of my life. I felt as if the emotions I felt made up a large part of who I was. I did not let go.

Just last night I realized that I have spent the majority of the past 5 1/2 years in a state of depression. Sometimes the depression would be mild and I would be able to experience happiness along with my pain. Other times, the depression would be crippling and the only way to survive would be to feel nothing. Feeling nothing would allow me to dull the pain enough to take care of my beautiful, wonderful family. I had highs and I had lows and I rode them out- doing the best I could to be a good wife and mother and friend. I knew I had changed. I didn't like the person I was and I tried hard to be better. To be more. I did the best I could and I set the bar lower to accommodate for what I could not be. This was my new normal. This was life and I was determined to accept it and make it the best I could.

About a month ago, my marriage faced another trial. It is a trial we have faced throughout our marriage, and things are getting better, but they aren't fixed yet. A combination of that trial, the stress of taking on others' burdens, the emotions of pregnancy, and the difficulties of being a mother and home-keeper overcame me. I could feel a deep depression developing. At this time my husband and I were talking for hours a day every day (trying to work through our trial) and I had no choice but to communicate to him where I was emotionally. (I feel so very blessed that he would not accept my distancing and non-communicating attitude- he pushed and pushed and pushed for me to open up to him and tell him how I was feeling). I told him that I was unable to handle the pressure of everything and the pain I was feeling and that in order to cope (read: not stay in bed all day every day), I would be putting myself into an emotional void. (This truly means that I would be burying the emotions inside of myself and ignoring them instead of dealing with them). I practically begged my husband to just leave me alone and let me do this. I explained to him that it is how I had survived the past several years and that things would eventually get better (my high). He refused. I told him I couldn't handle things alone and that there was no other choice. He gave me an alternative. He would do everything he could to help me deal with my emotions. It would hurt, but I would not be alone. If I agreed to share them with him, he would carry the burden of them as much as he could. I agreed.

I can not tell you how many times in the past month I have begun a happy, casual conversation with my husband and have had it turn into hours of talking and crying. In the end, I lay in his arms and together we share the burden and blessing of having these emotions released. The pain comes out in waves. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am confused, and mostly I am sad while dealing with these past pains that I have held onto for so long. I learn so much about the pain, because I am able to see it in a new light. I realize how bad it really got- how truly suicidal I had been. I let it out and my wonderful husband fills the empty spot I held it in with love and kindness and understanding. I can feel a significant difference every day! I find myself experience true and real happiness again. I find myself wanting to play and have fun and enjoy life. I find my tasks becoming so much easier I find that as I fulfill my tasks I am pleased with what I have accomplished. I feel more joy and love and happiness than I have felt in so long!!!! I love my children every minute of every day. I no longer get as frustrated and upset with them. I no longer feel guilt over everything I am not doing right. I feel like I am truly becoming better every day and doing so without having to fight for it. I can feel a deep sense of healing and wellness that I have long needed. I am beginning to be well.

I am so immensely grateful to my husband and the role he has played in my healing process. I love that man with all of my heart. I love who he is and who he helps me to be. I know that without him, I could not be healing the way that I am. I am grateful he has helped me to carry the weight of my burdens and for the love he fills me with.

Above all I am grateful for my Savior. Without the healing power of the Atonement I could not have the happiness and love that I have now. I know that alone, my husband could not be the support he is to me. We have both relied on the Savior during this time for healing and support. It is through Him that we are made better. I know that reading our scriptures and praying together daily has made all the difference in our lives and how we are able to communicate and deal with our trials. I am so blessed to know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I could not be more grateful for this knowledge and its effect on my life.

Thank you to my dear and wonderful family and friends who have seen me through this depression and helped keep me going day to day. So many of you do not begin to know the impact you have had on my life. Thank you!


And now, to live happily ever after.