Discovering Life

My girls love to discover new bugs as long as they aren't spiders or scary flants (as named by my daughters: flying ants=flants, actually crane flies). We love to dig for worms and watch ants and butterflies in the yard. As often as possible I encourage my girls to touch the bugs. Usually after an initial timid period they love to touch the bugs and hold them.
Recently we discovered a new bug (in our lettuce). An inchworm! I have always loved inchworms and I am fascinated by the way that they move. I was, therefore, very excited for my girls to discover this lil' fella. We played with him for quite a while and then let him go in the yard.

Our other discovery did not end so nicely! We found tadpoles!!!! Our neglected wading pool had turned into a pond-like environment for many water creatures. Before dumping and cleaning the pool I fished out 10 tadpoles. (side note: tadpoles are not as easy as you may think to capture. Even harder is trying to capture tadpoles while avoiding mosquito larvae.) After making sure they had survived the night in their new home, I researched how to keep them alive to froghood and introduced the girls to them. I was excited at how quickly they grew and how much potential they presented for learning. We changed them to a new and improved container after just a couple days. Then, they started dying. My poor husband was trying to helpfully add more water to their dish. He had not read that the tap water chemicals were dangerous to the tadpoles. We tried transferring them out of the water, but within 24 hours they had all died. Poor tadpoles.

 What kind of wildlife have you discovered and learned about with your family?

A Full House

This week has been a week of babysitting for me. Tuesday, Wednesday and today our house will be filled with extra kids. I am loving it! Going from my three kiddos up to eight is so fulfilling for me. I don't know if I could do it every day- but I love the feeling of having my house filled with kids. I also discovered that I am so much better at doing my chores when I have a ton of other kids here. But, I don't have time for real blogging. So I plan on getting a few posts on here soon- but for now, I am playing with a full house!

A Dinosaur Adventure

We've decided that for the kids' birthdays they can choose between the following; a large scale present, an outing with family and one friend, or a birthday party with friends. This year Alexis chose to do an outing with family and one friend. She excitedly chose going to Dino World. Lately she loves all things dinosaur! 

We took a picnic lunch and began by eating. I think the kids were too excited to really eat. Then we did the fossil dig. Each kid got a sifter and a small bucket. They got to sift for fossils. Then they learned about what each one was. Finally, they got to choose 3 to take home.

Checking out the fossils they found while waiting to learn about them.

SCARY dinosaur face!

Next, we went on the dinosaur trail. The kids started the trail with a list of dinosaurs they would see. They had fun checking of the dinosaur and were excited to try to find them all (for about 10 dinosaurs). They ditched the lists and just ran as fast as we would let them from one dino to the next. Lexi and her friend wanted to spend a very short amount of time looking at and talking about each dinosaur.  Emi wanted to spend more time reading each plaque and learning about the dinosaurs. Johnathon was excited to be out of the stroller and run around on his own. Any time he fell behind I would just tell him to "go get Emi" and he would run as quick as he could to her.

We played a couple different times at the park. The kids loved claiming a dinosaur as their "pet" and riding them. They ran and climbed and jumped and played. It was never very crowded and it was nice for them to burn off some energy. (though there wasn't much for little kids, so Nater got kinda bored)

We ended our dino world adventures at the boneyard. A large dinosaur was being discovered. Each kid had a shovel and paintbrush to excavate the site. They could've spent hours here and worked until the entire skeleton was discovered. Even Johnathon had a great time playing in the sand and digging. They had stadium style seating for the parents to sit and observe.

How much did you love dino world?

We had a great time together and really enjoyed giving Lexi a special day for her birthday.

We ended our day with dinner of Lexi's choice, IHOP. We went home with bellies full and happy hearts.


If you want to learn more about dino world check them out here.

Waffle, Waffle Man

Today I didn't bother trying to get him to eat at the table. It's just been one of those days.

Isn't he a cutie! This boy LOVES waffles and tonight's waffles were his favorite. We take this recipe from allrecipes.com and tweak it. He ate an entire waffle himself tonight. (the same amount the girls and I eat)
Here is what I did. First I double the recipe so that we have leftovers to freeze.
I take four eggs and mix them in my mixer.
Then I add 3/12 c. milk, and two 4 oz. jars of banana baby food and mix it all together.
Then I add 3 T. sugar, 8 tsp. baking powder, 1/2 tsp. salt, 2 tsp. cinnamon, 1tsp. vanilla and 1 c. flour. and mix that all together.
Next I add 3 more cups of flour one at a time and mix- scraping the dish in between each cup.
Then I cook them in the waffle iron.
Sometimes we use half white and half whole wheat flour.

I love that the baby food makes them sweet enough to eat plain, but not too sweet to add sweetness on top. (typically for me that means applesauce)

Best part- they are super quick and even faster to pop out of the freezer and into the toaster.

Healing: The Story of My Depression and Healing

To start I am debating whether or not to post this story here. I started the blog to keep extended family updated on our family. I continue to blog because I want my children to be able to look back and see what life was like when they were kids. I have found though, that keeping this blog and taking the time to write has been very therapeutic for me. I find myself thinking and working through emotions and feeling that the final step of dealing with them would be to blog about them. And so I share.

I know that I have been depressed on and off throughout my entire life. Like all people, I have face trials in my life. I am grateful for those trials and the way they have shaped who I am. I am the type, that feels emotions strongly, and I tend to hold pain inside of myself and keep it. It's almost as if letting go of pain meant that I was letting go of the experience and not allowing it to be an influential part of my life. I felt as if the emotions I felt made up a large part of who I was. I did not let go.

Just last night I realized that I have spent the majority of the past 5 1/2 years in a state of depression. Sometimes the depression would be mild and I would be able to experience happiness along with my pain. Other times, the depression would be crippling and the only way to survive would be to feel nothing. Feeling nothing would allow me to dull the pain enough to take care of my beautiful, wonderful family. I had highs and I had lows and I rode them out- doing the best I could to be a good wife and mother and friend. I knew I had changed. I didn't like the person I was and I tried hard to be better. To be more. I did the best I could and I set the bar lower to accommodate for what I could not be. This was my new normal. This was life and I was determined to accept it and make it the best I could.

About a month ago, my marriage faced another trial. It is a trial we have faced throughout our marriage, and things are getting better, but they aren't fixed yet. A combination of that trial, the stress of taking on others' burdens, the emotions of pregnancy, and the difficulties of being a mother and home-keeper overcame me. I could feel a deep depression developing. At this time my husband and I were talking for hours a day every day (trying to work through our trial) and I had no choice but to communicate to him where I was emotionally. (I feel so very blessed that he would not accept my distancing and non-communicating attitude- he pushed and pushed and pushed for me to open up to him and tell him how I was feeling). I told him that I was unable to handle the pressure of everything and the pain I was feeling and that in order to cope (read: not stay in bed all day every day), I would be putting myself into an emotional void. (This truly means that I would be burying the emotions inside of myself and ignoring them instead of dealing with them). I practically begged my husband to just leave me alone and let me do this. I explained to him that it is how I had survived the past several years and that things would eventually get better (my high). He refused. I told him I couldn't handle things alone and that there was no other choice. He gave me an alternative. He would do everything he could to help me deal with my emotions. It would hurt, but I would not be alone. If I agreed to share them with him, he would carry the burden of them as much as he could. I agreed.

I can not tell you how many times in the past month I have begun a happy, casual conversation with my husband and have had it turn into hours of talking and crying. In the end, I lay in his arms and together we share the burden and blessing of having these emotions released. The pain comes out in waves. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I am confused, and mostly I am sad while dealing with these past pains that I have held onto for so long. I learn so much about the pain, because I am able to see it in a new light. I realize how bad it really got- how truly suicidal I had been. I let it out and my wonderful husband fills the empty spot I held it in with love and kindness and understanding. I can feel a significant difference every day! I find myself experience true and real happiness again. I find myself wanting to play and have fun and enjoy life. I find my tasks becoming so much easier I find that as I fulfill my tasks I am pleased with what I have accomplished. I feel more joy and love and happiness than I have felt in so long!!!! I love my children every minute of every day. I no longer get as frustrated and upset with them. I no longer feel guilt over everything I am not doing right. I feel like I am truly becoming better every day and doing so without having to fight for it. I can feel a deep sense of healing and wellness that I have long needed. I am beginning to be well.

I am so immensely grateful to my husband and the role he has played in my healing process. I love that man with all of my heart. I love who he is and who he helps me to be. I know that without him, I could not be healing the way that I am. I am grateful he has helped me to carry the weight of my burdens and for the love he fills me with.

Above all I am grateful for my Savior. Without the healing power of the Atonement I could not have the happiness and love that I have now. I know that alone, my husband could not be the support he is to me. We have both relied on the Savior during this time for healing and support. It is through Him that we are made better. I know that reading our scriptures and praying together daily has made all the difference in our lives and how we are able to communicate and deal with our trials. I am so blessed to know that my Savior lives and that He loves me. I could not be more grateful for this knowledge and its effect on my life.

Thank you to my dear and wonderful family and friends who have seen me through this depression and helped keep me going day to day. So many of you do not begin to know the impact you have had on my life. Thank you!


And now, to live happily ever after.

Our Homeschool Journey Part One: A Teacher

I've been thinking a lot about homeschool lately and I've been wanting to write out my thoughts and feelings. So, while this definitely affects my family- it isn't necessarily ABOUT my family at all. Mostly, it's about me (at least this first part is).

I can't remember a time when I didn't know what I wanted to be. I dappled in thoughts of other careers, but mostly, I have always wanted to be a teacher. I remember the excitement and nerves of starting kindergarten. I first met my kindergarten teacher before the school year started. Mom and Dad both came to the school with me and we toured the classroom. We all talked to my teacher together and then she wanted to talk to just me. I recall how important it felt then to show her how smart I was, how ready I was for school. I would be her favorite student and she would be able to tell that one day I would grow up to be just like she was.  This means that at five years old I not only knew I wanted to teach, but I focused on learning how to be a teacher.

I watched my teachers. I can specifically remember lessons and deciding that the way they were taught was how I wanted to teach. I remember other lessons and deciding that I would NEVER teach that way. I did this through all of my school years. I didn't just evaluate the methods of my teachers at school. I evaluated my parents, babysitters, siblings, family, and friends. Anybody that ever ventured to teach me a lesson became a part of my paradigm of teaching. (As I am writing this I am sure there are at least a hundred people coming to mind. Hundreds of memories are forming my "vision" of teaching.) I knew I wanted to teach and I knew JUST what kind of teacher I would be.

The days passed and I began college. I felt so excited to learn on a new level. In some classes I did, in others- not so much. I felt like, at last, I would be exposed to experts in teaching. I would see in them all of the things I always wanted to be. I would be studying the methods and practices of teaching. All of the gaps would be filled and when I left with my degree I would be the person I always wanted to be. I would be an amazing teacher with fun, creative, and impactful lessons on every subject. I found methodologies I loved. I found others I hated. I completed my mental structure of teaching and was ready for everything. I was ready to finally be a teacher.

Then, I became a mother.

At first this didn't change anything with my teaching, except for timing. I would still be the teacher I had formed in my mind. I just wouldn't be that until all of my kids were in school. I would have an ideal job, with hours that were most similar to the schedules my kids kept. I would be able to fulfill both of my passions. I would be a mom and a teacher- I just had to wait a while longer. (On a side note: I wasted so many years waiting and not enjoying- I am mostly getting over that though)

I brought my teaching goals into my parenting. I read to my kids regularly (and even made my husband read to my belly before my kids were born). I bought toys for them that I loved for their teaching potentials. I would often find everyday tasks turning into learning experiences. I would talk and discuss things with my kids long before they were listening or curious enough to ask for information. I loved to learn and I wanted to share that with my kids. As often as possible, we were learning. I was amazed at the leaps and bounds they made as they grew. I took pride in the things they learned and in their intelligence.

Then, I found myself being the one to take my daughter to meet her kindergarten teacher. I had the same feelings of fear and excitement for her. I wanted more than anything for her teacher to REALLY see her value. Not just how smart she was, but how amazing she is. I also found myself becoming more and more concerned about what she would learn throughout the year. I regularly spoke with her teacher about what she was doing to help my daughter excel. I spoke to her about her curriculum. I spoke to her about homework. I never spoke to her about my other concerns but I worried- what other things would she be learning? I think this really hit me when I had debated with Alexis about why she would not be wearing flip flops to school. She came home that night with her trump card- flip flops were okay, because her teacher wore them. Mine (meaning really mine and my husband's) would no longer be the only influence in her life. She now looked up to another authority figure, and I had no say in what that authority figure would teach her. It was hard to let my little girl go. It was hard to leave her in the hands of another for so many hours of so many days. I missed her and I worried about her.

I think the first time I really considered home schooling came when she started to ask to not go to school. She had just begun what would be years of schooling and already she was learning to NOT love it. I did my best to really listen to her. Listen to and acknowledge her feelings, try to understand why she was feeling the way she was. I began to pray about her schooling (something I had never done before this point). I needed to protect her curiosity, her natural inquisitiveness, her desire and love of learning. I thought and prayed and worked out with my husband what was best for our family for that point in time. I knew that public school was not an option for us.

I had not yet decided to homeschool and she was no longer attending public school. We were on a middle ground. I was lost. We continued to learn at home the way we always had but teaching had suddenly become a weight, a burden, a fear. Things were inconsistent and very up and down in our lives and our schedules. I felt like I had to suddenly become the teacher I had put off being to parent. I had to be both parent and teacher and I could not find a balance to doing both. I felt that excelling at one made me fail at the other. I did tons of research and sought out many resources for answers. I had a time frame- a system had to be in place before it was time for her to start first grade. I could take my time and figure things out and not have legal pressures working against me. But I also had my guilt, my guilt of not doing enough, of not being the perfect teacher and mother for my kids right now. I often considered sending her to public school just so that I could be free of the responsibility of teaching her. I struggled.

Bit by bit and piece by piece I realized what my real struggling was. I was trying to be an ideal public school teacher in my home school setting. I began to see that everything I had learned and wanted to be were the very things behind our no public school decision. I couldn't teach my daughter because I no longer wanted to be the teacher I had always pictured myself to be. I did not want my children to be put through the system I had always wanted to work for. I no longer considered the same guidelines and standards to be important. I couldn't teach because I was seeing that what I wanted to teach was not what I wanted my family to learn. I realized that the methodologies that I loved were not in line with the system of teaching I had always planned. They could be adapted to that system, as I had planned to do, but they lost the basis of what made them life-changing theories. I realized that my children had already learned so much in life, and this was long before I even thought of homeschooling. I realized that the only reason I needed quantitative proof of my children's learning was because it made ME feel better and complete as a teacher. I realized that what needed to change was not how we were doing things, but how I viewed the things we were already doing. I had to change my definition of learning. I had to let go.

When I did that, a teacher was discovered. I realized that I am what I have always felt called to be. I am a teacher and I can do this. I no longer feel a burden or weight of teaching because I know that I have been given the gifts to teach naturally and easily. I am a teacher, and a mother, and they work so beautifully together. They uplift and edify each other. When I began to allow them to do that they no longer tore at and destroyed one another. We now have balance; me and my dual roles of mother and teacher.

A Huntin' We Will Go

Philip and I recently acquired a bow and arrows. I have enjoyed archery from the first time I tried it and I think we finally found something The Husband and I can enjoy equally. When shopping for the bow we began interesting conversations with the girls. They love to go around sportsmen stores and look at all the stuffed animals (you know the real animals that have been shot and stuffed). This last time we were talking about the animals and hunting. My girls want to be hunters. They want to shoot and eat an animal. I think the main goal is deer, though they think it would be fun to shoot a bear too. I love that they are able to love animals and at the same time want to eat them. I love that they know where their food comes from and don't just think that meat comes from a grocery store.

On a side note, (that I promise will be related), my kids love playing Zelda. I never played a lot of video games as a kid, but the ones I enjoyed were Tetris and Frogger. There was one level of Donkey Kong that I liked. But I had never played Zelda (until Philip- he sure does broaden my horizons). I stink at video games! My girls don't! Especially Lexi- she figures them out quickly and does well at them. Lately she wants to play Zelda: Ocarina of Time all of the time! I love it (not that she wants to play video games all of the time but that she is able to do more as a kid then I did).

Now, for the connection of the two random subjects. Today, for a majority of the day, Emi was Zelda (though if I'm not mistaken she was technically pretending to be Link, right?). She would tuck her sword and shield into her sweater and go on adventures. I am pretty sure they were dinosaur fighting adventures because Alexis spent most of the day being a dinosaur. This evening I realized that the weight of the sword and shield had been pulling Emi's sweater to an "uncomfortable, slightly choking" stage all day. Poor girl. I made her a sling type wrap to carry her weapons instead. Lexi wanted one too. Then, our creative juices got flowing. We asked Emi about her slingshot and she "made" one from a head band. Then we decided to create for them bows- and eventually arrows. It was so much fun to make and shoot them and the girls enjoyed learning from Daddy. (I wonder how long they will get to keep them before a person gets shot and they loose them).

Alexis' set up. though they later began putting the bow in front.

Nater wanted a sling too, so he found his own.

Learning how from Daddy. It takes lots of practice.

Gender Reveal

With our first pregnancy we did not find out the gender of the baby. I loved having Philip be the one to announce to me that we had a girl. I felt like it was the first moment we shared as a family.
With our second pregnancy we decided to find out the gender, mainly because we had all the girl clothes we would need and  no boy clothes. Our budget couldn't handle buying a new wardrobe all at once, so we wanted to be prepared. We had another girl.
With our third baby, Philip was deployed. We argued about what gender the baby would be. So during an appointment when Philip was home we asked the doctor for an ultrasound. The doctor agreed, though he warned us what we already knew- it was too early to be likely that we would be able to identify a gender. Johnathon proudly showed us that he was a boy.
And now, we are pregnant again. We have boy stuff. We still have some girl stuff. There isn't really a NEED to know what gender this baby will be. So, I didn't want to. Philip, however, wanted to know. So we agreed that he could find out and I would not. We chose a pronoun for the baby- we would continue to call the baby she (because the girls and I were already doing that). He would not be allowed to tell anyone until after he told me. The ultrasound tech did a great job of keeping the gender from me and let Philip know while I ran to the bathroom after my appointment. Philip has been so good at not letting any hints slip. We even chose baby names without him being more interested in one over the other. I was back and forth- sometimes feeling like I was having a girl, sometimes a boy. There were times when both of us wanted the information to be shared- but we held off.

Until the other day.

You see, Philip will be deploying again. While he should be here for the baby's birth- he wont be around for much longer than that. For me, that changed things! Preparing for a deployment is hard work. You go through so much emotionally and have so many things to do to be as ready as you can be. I didn't want that tainted our joy at having a new baby (though it has already started to). I wanted something to celebrate joyously before deployment emotions took over. We decided we would have a gender date sometime during the month of May. Afterwards, we would do a family announcement for the girls (and I guess for Nater too, though he doesn't understand it). Then we would tell family and select loved ones. I am sure we will eventually announce it publicly too- but not until those we are closest to get a personalized announcement.

Our gender date happened kinda sporadically. Philip had a few possible date plans- but decide that since we were going out for cupcakes already he would use that for my surprise. He called the cupcake place and had them put a specific color frosting on my cupcake. He warned me before we got to the cupcake place that I was not to open the box because it would be part of our date. We decided to take the kids with us instead of driving all the way back home for a babysitter. We went to the mall and while the kids played on some rides I opened my cupcake. Philip and I discussed how we felt about the gender and then we all shared the cupcake. Then we got to shopping. It is tradition that Philip picks out an outfit for the babies to come home from the hospital in. We also wanted to get a blessing outfit. We shopped and shopped and shopped the night away (making other stops for other things we had needed). We let the girls know that we would tell them the next day if they were having another brother or another sister.

The next day we put together a gift bag for the kids. We included several items that were the color associated with the gender of the baby. Attached to each item was a piece of a puzzle that announced, "It's another ________!" They got the items out and put the puzzle together. Then they read the puzzle and we talked about their thoughts and feelings on the gender. We emphasized that we are not telling people the gender and that they should not talk to anybody about it. It was a lot of fun! I have big plans in store for family announcements and cant wait to get the calls from them when they receive their announcements. For now, I have felt a lot of happiness and peace from knowing. I feel like I am not as anxious because I can prepare as needed. (not to mention- this drawn out announcing is a LOT of fun!).

A Local Military Celebration

 So, I have been checking out our cities parks and recreation website a lot lately, because I am looking into joining the community center. I saw that they were having a picnic and events celebration for military families in the area. I had plans for that afternoon/evening with a friend and thought this may be fun to attend before hand. Her family met us there and we had a blast! I was so impressed with it all! The food was good (some pregnant ladies were craving us some hot dogs), the events were fun and varied, and the people were all amazingly nice! We had a great time for free. A very good way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
 There were several vehicles to play in; military, police and construction.
 There was a petting zoo with a llama, goats, pigs, bunny, chickens, and more.
 There were 3 ponies to ride. The girls loved this part. Nater didn't ride, but he pet a pony.
 There were police officers and their canine dogs.
 There was a "smoke house" the girls went through with Daddy. I am glad they had this opportunity since we have been practicing fire drills and talking about fire safety at home.
 There were tons of bounce houses and slides.
 There was face painting and "fishing".
 There was even more activities and events after we left. Our parks department did a great job! We loved it!