Becoming Human Again

I love my kids! I love being pregnant. I love having babies. I love being able to hold and feed and love and care for my babies. I love watching my babies grow into such awesome kiddos. I love being a part of their lives every day. I love staying at home with them. I love being responsible for teaching and guiding them. I love being a mom!
But sometimes, I feel lost in it all. Sometimes I feel like there is no me left. I know that it is important to do things for myself, but honestly, it never ranks too high on my list of things to do. I've always wanted so badly to be a mom and I knew it would not be easy. But, it is sometimes so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Philip and I discussed during my last pregnancy some of the sacrifices of being a mom. I was feeling blue about my body not being my own. We talked about sharing my body for not only pregnancies, but to nurse my babies. For me, the fluctuating hormones that go along with those choices put me through a lot! I have given 55 months of my life already in sharing my body with my babies. That is nearly 5 years! And, on our long days, I feel like I have lost my sense of self in those years. I dream of days when I will be free to do what I want, when I will have time to do the things I want to do for me. I then remember that my commitment wont end when my kids are all out of the baby stage. It wont end if we send them all off to school. It wont end when they are growing older. It wont end when they move out. It is a never-ending commitment. This shifts my thoughts back to the positive and I make it through the long days.
Lately, those long days, are coming less and less. Lately, I feel on top of the world! I feel like I can do anything, that I get so much done. I feel like we will make it through and sometimes, I even feel like we are using our time here productively. Lately things are good.
Wanna know my secret?

The baby is on a schedule. Plain and simple. That is all it takes to change my days from seemingly endless and cloudy to manageable and often fun to boot! Mind you, this schedule is still a busy one. The baby still eats every three hours or more frequently. He still needs me to take care of him in so many ways, and he is old enough now that he actually wants me to entertain him too. But, the magic of a schedule is that I know what is coming next. I can plan for it. I can be prepared.

Which means, my days accomplishments go from this:
feed baby- check
keep everyone alive- check

To this:
feed baby- check
do some laundry- check
cook some meals (maybe even do some cooking in advance for future meals)- check
read- check
homeschool on purpose- check
play with my kids- check
take some pictures-check
get dressed- (most days) check
clean something all the way- check
organize something- check
write a blog post- check
enforce consequences- check
breathe- check

Have I mentioned yet that I love baby being on a schedule?!

And let me tell you, this could not have happened at a better time! Miranda has a babysitting job and leaves me for 4 days a week! MORE than half a week I am on my own. That was a crash course in "manning up" and getting done what I need to get done. I feel good. I feel proud. I feel happy. I feel, like maybe, I am almost human again!

And now- for a rare look at me- here are some pics of me sharing my body with some wonderful babes!

oops! Should've flipped this