Just In Case

I am writing this post just in case...
Just in case you are just like me.
Just in case you don't realize it.
Just in case you think that you are okay, and you think that okay is enough.
Just in case the things I realized, and share with you can help you be more than just okay.

Just in case...


Several things have been on my mind and have added up to a realization (The picture on Facebook, Erin's status, My studies and contemplating the mom I am vs. the mom I want to be or the mom I used to be). 


I am not me!

I am not myself. I am depressed. And I need to change that. 
I used to sing, and dance, and play, and talk, and have fun. Now I am too busy, and overwhelmed, and stressed, and anxious, and sad, and mad, and pent up, and I don't want to be!

I am depressed and I need to change that.

We see depression as it's extreme.

So when we are depressed to a lesser extreme, we feel like we are okay. We can progress, we do move forward, we carry the burden and forget that the weight is there. We forget that we used to move unencumbered. We forget that we didn't always carry that weight. We forget that there is more to life than OKAY!

Realizing that, letting go of that weight. Giving it over to Christ so that I can be free allows me to MOVE again; to dance, to play, to jump for joy!

To feel free again.


To BE ME AGAIN!

A Real and Actual Loss

I am overwhelmed by all of the feelings of the moment, that i am not even sure how to begin this. I feel as if I have lost something great today. The feeling is so like the day that I learned that I had miscarried (my third pregnancy). I know everything is going to be okay. I see and I am counting my blessings. And I am mourning the loss of a dream delivery I may never have.
You see, all of my life I have wanted babies. Lots of them. I have studied and prayed and pondered to know that my life's mission, my personal reason for being here, alive at this place and time, is to be a mother. And so, when I say my dream delivery, it is not a small thing. It is based on research and study and prayer and hope and determination. My dream delivery is so close to reality and for that, I am blessed. But, my reality never gets the happily ever after that my dream delivery does.
My body does great with pregnancy and delivery, until the baby is born. For me, what should be the happiest part of it all, is when my body starts to suffer. I have postpartum hemorraging and therefore, have always recieved pitocin to help stop the bleeding. Whether it is that pitocin, or something else, I experience a major emotional drop. I lose the high and sink low in an almost instant postpartum depression. And it lasts for a LONG time.
I had hoped that the bleeding was not really hemorraging and that I could avoid any pitocin, and that not having any artificial hormones would allow me to maintain a balance, and I wouldn't get depressed. My dream delivery is to be able to have my babies and not lose the balance afterwards. And today, as I realized that I really do hemmorage, and as I have researched and prayed and feel best to use pitocin to stop said bleeding, I feel a real and actual loss. I am losing the chance to have a chemical free delivery. And, while that still seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, it is a loss that I am mourning very actually and without apology. I am sad that I don't get to have my perfect delivery. Thank you all who have taken a moment to be sad with me.





And now... I can move on. I can go ahead and plan the next best thing birth. It will be beautiful and wonderful and awe inspiring. I am ready to prepare for this baby. Soon, I will be ready to hold this baby in my arms and shower him/her with love. I can't wait to share that with you too. Thank you for reading. Thank you for understanding.

Let Them Be...

This is after a half hour of screaming and throwing his body around. He did not want to nap and he was determined to make that known.
As I held him and tried to comfort him, I thought over the possible resons for such a tantrum. Naturally, I realized that he is probably entering his terrible twos. And right away I decided I disliked that title. Two is a hard thing to be!
Hard, new, different and difficult. But not terrible.
Two is a transition out of toddlerhood. A transistion into more independence and understanding of your world. A transition away from all of the things you have known for so long. Two is hard!
Then, I thought about three. I realized three is hard. Wanting to be your own person butnot quite being capable of doing everything you want to. Three is hard.
Four is knowing how you feel and what you think, but not quite knowing how to share it with the world. Life feels unfair when you are four. Four is hard.
And, as my mind continued down this path of how life gives us opportunities to grow, and how difficult these growths and changes can be, I wondered what, if anything I was doing to help or hinder my childrens' progress.
William's tantrum was calming down and I watched as he prepared himself to sleep and thought to myself, "just let him be."

And so, as I recognize this difficulties of life for young kids, I have a new goal to let them be.
To let my two year old be grumpy and frustrated and overwhelmed with his transition in life. To let him be two.
To let my three year old be adventurous and daring and slow as he learns to conquer his world on his own.
To let my six year old be silly and bossy and free as she starts to really let her humor and personality shine through.
To let my eight year old be lonely and determined and independent as she begins her life of accountability.


This isn't to say that I plan to let my kids face these transistions on their own. But rather than pushing them to grow up and move pass these stages, I am going to stand by their side and let them experience each of these growing pains for as long as they need to. I am going to stop pushing my kids to develop and grow and change, only to mourn the time once it has passed. I am going to just be there as I let my kids just be what they are, when they are. And hopefully, we will all make it through these stages together, happily.

switch

3-14-14

Switching perspectives

I was busily working and thinking today, when a shift took place in my thoughts. I went from I need to... and I want to... to I've already... and I also... When it happened it was entirely subconscious, but I quickly recognized the difference it could make in my day. So, I have decided to try to daily keep a list of my and my family's accomplishments.
Lydia:

-cooked dinner and extra meat for future use

-prewashed diapers, they should be washed by the end of the night.

-showered :)

-went to the library

-turned in an application

-straightened the house

-did a load of dishes for Philip

-spent one-on-one time with the girls

-learned about the phases of the moon

-researched solar system resources

-cleaned at the church building

-wrote

Alexis:

-read

-helped clean at church

-straightened the house

-one-on-one time with mom

-colored

-learned about the phases of the moon

-began to learn about the solar system

-invented a wheelbarrow exercise game

Emily:

-helped clean at church

-read

-straightened the house

-one-on-one time with mom

-colored

-learned about the phases of the moon

-began to learn about the solar system

Nater:

-pulled his shorts over his cloth diaper by himself

-helped clean at church

-colored

-played outside

-helped straighten the house

-had a batman conversation with Jayce

-met a friend at the library

Liam:

-threw away trash

-put dishes in the sink

-loaded silverware into the dishwasher

-had a good, long nap

-helped clean at church

Emotions

3-1-14

An Absorber of Emotion

I remember once a brief mention by someone at church about depression. Her actual words are lost to me, but they conveyed to me a most interesting concept. That those who experience depression are a gift to others. Because those who experience depression absorb the feelings of others and hold them so that the others don't have to.
Is anyone else an absorber of emotions? Do you feel what others feel? Do you understand them even when they don't understand themselves? Have you ever walked through a store and seen a complete stranger and felt a connection. Nothing like a love-at-first sight, a very different connection. As if, by just being in the presence of that person, you could feel what they felt. Sometimes a story comes along with in and you understand why they are feeling the way they do. Sometimes, all you get is the pain. You smile at them, and it is so much more than a friendly gesture. You offer them true empathy. You really are feeling their pain.

The trouble, for me has lied in what to do with that pain. I sometimes become so enveloped in emotions that I feel as if I were drowning in them. My dear, sweet husband has been an anchor for me in these times from the beginning of our courtship. I often tell him that I need him, because he can stop me from spinning. Tonight, he did so much more.

I was in one of those attacks of emotions. My world had shifted out from under me and though we were at a better angle, I was losing balance and falling head over heels. I tried to explain this feeling to Philip. He encouraged me to pray, to let go, and to fill my thoughts with happiness. It wasn't until we were saying our prayers together that his words came together in completeness and truth. The things he told me came to me in “Lydia words” and it all made sense.

I will share it with you, in case “Lydia words” are the words that make sense to you too.

I don't have to feel this pain. I don't have to, because Christ already experienced it for me. And, what's more, he doesn't want me to feel it. He wants to take it from me so that I can find completion and joy and happiness through Him. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be given unto you. He would gladly take the suffocating emotions from me if I just asked Him to. So, I started big. “I feel so hurt and afraid because of ______. I know that Christ has already felt these things so that I don't have to. I know that the person has repented and they won't have to feel the pain they caused me either. So, please take this pain away from me so that I can be happy instead. Please replace this pain with the love I feel for this person, with this person's smile and these special moments. When I think of this situation please help me to feel the joy of these special moments instead of the pain that you have already taken from me.”

And, it works. I think so often we hold on to our pain because without it, we feel void. We feel an emptiness inside and we don't know how to fill it. And rather than feel that emptiness, we accept the pain and sadness. I think that was my biggest problem before. I would try to let go of things before, but the emptiness that letting go left me with was it's own kind of pain. So I learned to hold on to the pain. Now, I am learning a new way. A way to let go of the pain and fill the emptiness.

I am so grateful to be blessed with the ability to read and understand people. I am so grateful to be blessed with the emotions that come with a tender heart. I am grateful for Philip and all that he does to help me learn and care for and understand how to make my body and spirit one. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and His loving guidance. I am so incredibly grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and all His atonement. I am grateful that He was willing to sacrifice and take our sins and sorrows upon Himself. I am grateful, that through Him I can be made whole again. “Then sings my soul, my Savior, God to thee. How great thou art! How great thou art!”

Long

3-1-14

A LONG Week

We have been sick this week. Nater started things off with a rash, that I am sure was fifth disease (slapped cheek). We read up on it and learned that it typically begins with flu-like illness and fever and after a week the rash appears, spreads, and then goes away. Once you are past the flu-fever stage, you are no longer contagious. I hadn't remembered Nater having any pre-rash symptoms, but he rarely behaves sick even if he is.

William, I learned, is the opposite. He acts miserable the entire time he is sick. Screaming, crying and wanting endless attention. He cries because he is hungry and then cries at the thought of eating or drinking. Poor boy got sick on Monday. Stayed sick for a couple days and started again at the end of the week. The girls both spent a night sick this week, and I spent most of one day in bed, because I was not feeling well. When I wasn't in bed, I was washing clothes and changing beds and bathing a VERY unhappy boy (he hates baths even more when he is sick)!

It has been such a long week! Philip has stayed healthy, as he has avoided contact with us and has been busy at work. I think we are on the mend, and most of the mess is cleaned up and taken care of. We are trying to get back to life as usual, though it may take some time.

Baptism Preview

2-28-14

Baptism Preview

We have a large class of seven year olds in primary this year. And a handful of the six year old class that are already seven. So, we threw together an eight is great, or baptism preview for them. It was a chance for those kids and their parents to come and learn a bit more about baptism and what they need to do to prepare. It turned out pretty well, and gave me an opportunity to make another “party”. I am really loving that aspect of primary.

We started with some talks on baptism, confirmation, and the activities for 8-11 year olds in the church. My favorite was the two youth that shared their thoughts and testimony on baptism. They were older siblings to some of our seven year olds, and had been baptized in the past couple years. They were so genuine and sincere in their excitement for the kids that are preparing for baptism. The Primary president gave each of the kids a bag of items to help them learn about and remember the importance of baptism. Lex LOVES her bag and shared it with us for a family home evening.

After the talks we moved to the gym for a game. It was a “road to righteousness” that mom and I made up. They followed the road in groups and stopped at the signs and discussed the scenarios. I think they had a lot of fun. Then we went and had cake and socialized. Everyone helped clean up and we were done. I think it was totally worth it doing. I am excited that Lexi wants to be baptized and I can't wait for her special day!