A Real and Actual Loss

I am overwhelmed by all of the feelings of the moment, that i am not even sure how to begin this. I feel as if I have lost something great today. The feeling is so like the day that I learned that I had miscarried (my third pregnancy). I know everything is going to be okay. I see and I am counting my blessings. And I am mourning the loss of a dream delivery I may never have.
You see, all of my life I have wanted babies. Lots of them. I have studied and prayed and pondered to know that my life's mission, my personal reason for being here, alive at this place and time, is to be a mother. And so, when I say my dream delivery, it is not a small thing. It is based on research and study and prayer and hope and determination. My dream delivery is so close to reality and for that, I am blessed. But, my reality never gets the happily ever after that my dream delivery does.
My body does great with pregnancy and delivery, until the baby is born. For me, what should be the happiest part of it all, is when my body starts to suffer. I have postpartum hemorraging and therefore, have always recieved pitocin to help stop the bleeding. Whether it is that pitocin, or something else, I experience a major emotional drop. I lose the high and sink low in an almost instant postpartum depression. And it lasts for a LONG time.
I had hoped that the bleeding was not really hemorraging and that I could avoid any pitocin, and that not having any artificial hormones would allow me to maintain a balance, and I wouldn't get depressed. My dream delivery is to be able to have my babies and not lose the balance afterwards. And today, as I realized that I really do hemmorage, and as I have researched and prayed and feel best to use pitocin to stop said bleeding, I feel a real and actual loss. I am losing the chance to have a chemical free delivery. And, while that still seems a little insignificant in the grand scheme of things, it is a loss that I am mourning very actually and without apology. I am sad that I don't get to have my perfect delivery. Thank you all who have taken a moment to be sad with me.





And now... I can move on. I can go ahead and plan the next best thing birth. It will be beautiful and wonderful and awe inspiring. I am ready to prepare for this baby. Soon, I will be ready to hold this baby in my arms and shower him/her with love. I can't wait to share that with you too. Thank you for reading. Thank you for understanding.

Let Them Be...

This is after a half hour of screaming and throwing his body around. He did not want to nap and he was determined to make that known.
As I held him and tried to comfort him, I thought over the possible resons for such a tantrum. Naturally, I realized that he is probably entering his terrible twos. And right away I decided I disliked that title. Two is a hard thing to be!
Hard, new, different and difficult. But not terrible.
Two is a transition out of toddlerhood. A transistion into more independence and understanding of your world. A transition away from all of the things you have known for so long. Two is hard!
Then, I thought about three. I realized three is hard. Wanting to be your own person butnot quite being capable of doing everything you want to. Three is hard.
Four is knowing how you feel and what you think, but not quite knowing how to share it with the world. Life feels unfair when you are four. Four is hard.
And, as my mind continued down this path of how life gives us opportunities to grow, and how difficult these growths and changes can be, I wondered what, if anything I was doing to help or hinder my childrens' progress.
William's tantrum was calming down and I watched as he prepared himself to sleep and thought to myself, "just let him be."

And so, as I recognize this difficulties of life for young kids, I have a new goal to let them be.
To let my two year old be grumpy and frustrated and overwhelmed with his transition in life. To let him be two.
To let my three year old be adventurous and daring and slow as he learns to conquer his world on his own.
To let my six year old be silly and bossy and free as she starts to really let her humor and personality shine through.
To let my eight year old be lonely and determined and independent as she begins her life of accountability.


This isn't to say that I plan to let my kids face these transistions on their own. But rather than pushing them to grow up and move pass these stages, I am going to stand by their side and let them experience each of these growing pains for as long as they need to. I am going to stop pushing my kids to develop and grow and change, only to mourn the time once it has passed. I am going to just be there as I let my kids just be what they are, when they are. And hopefully, we will all make it through these stages together, happily.