It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Emily is at the age that life revolves around one day a year- the birthday! She is still 250 days away from hers, but it is always on her mind! And, that means, it is often a part of her conversations.
"Guess what my birthday party is going to be?"
"Mom, this is what my cake will look like, and these are the candles, and this is the frosting, and..."

And, it has become her greatest sense of control.
"If you do this for me, I will buy you the best birthday present ever!"
"I am NOT inviting you to my birthday party!"

I pondered why they would use birthdays in this way and I think I have it. Birthdays are the one day each year that is all about them. The whole day is dedicated to making them happy. And, they see a birthday as a way to make others happy or sad. So if they are happy, they will make you happy by promising presents and parties. If they are sad, they will make you sad by denying you those same things. And at my house, this works. My girls have often brought each other to tears over birthday parties and presents that only exist in conversations between the two of them.

So, if you are on Emi's good side when the actual birthday rolls around, here is the type of party you can look forward to being invited to.

I'll Need This Reminder Often

The baby fell asleep, peacefully in my arms. He was in such a deep sleep that he didn't mind at all when Nater located his facial parts and pried his eyelid open. But, the moment I moved, he was wide awake and ANGRY! He wanted nothing to do with me moving and was determined that he needed to nurse himself back to sleep. He refuses to go back to sleep any other way.

Enter: "mommy guilt"

Should I make him sleep without nursing? I probably should reread that book on sleep and start teaching him now how to sleep, so that I won't have problems later. That book really worked well for Emi, but did it? I mean she is the one with the most trust and separation issues now. So maybe it worked to get her to sleep as a baby, but at what cost? And really, maybe that is just her personality. Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference. And....

I seriously don't know quite how it happens, but sometimes, all it takes is one little thing happening (the baby wont put himself back to sleep) and you begin to question every choice you have ever made as a parent.

My conversation with my inner voice continued, but took a surprising turn...
Of course we question everything, we are such imperfect beings, given stewardship over perfect souls-new to their bodies and we are supposed to somehow teach them how to overcome the "natural man" even though we, ourselves, aren't always capable of this.
But we aren't left alone to this task.
Well, then how do we know if we are making the right choices from them, we aren't left alone, but we still have to be the one to make the choices.
How do they make you feel?

And that is when I realized. It is okay to feel like we have made a wrong choice, if that sorrow is righteous sorrow that will lead to change. But it is not good to feel guilt over our past choices. Heavenly Father does not cause us to feel guilty. If we have made a mistake we will feel sorrowful without guilt.

Let me see if I can explain that better:
Righteous sorrow= sadness about a choice, feeling like the choice led us further from the path back to our Heavenly Father, causes a stirring within us to go forth and be better, is fixable (leads to repentance and change)
Guilt= sadness about ourselves, feeling like a choice we made was wrong and has tainted us in some way, causes depression and feelings of inadequacy, is incapable of being changed- the results are seen as permanent and unknown.

So, I realized that part of how Heavenly Father will inspire me to be a good mother is to allow me to feel righteous sorrow when I need to change. I believe, that along with that righteous sorrow, if I ask, He will inspire me as to how to change and make things right.
Satan, on the other hand, will discourage me from changing, by overwhelming me with guilt. That guilt will then force me to question my ability and choice to parent. I will not seek the inspiration I need and may become insensitive to receiving it.

So, the baby does not put him self to sleep. How does that make me feel? I feel frustrated still. I still want to blog, and clean, and organize, and read. But, I am able to let go of those things, for a time, and hold and love my baby as he nurses back to sleep. (and then, when he is asleep, I can enjoy his cute little snore as I blog- and then go clean-or not, because he woke up while I was adding pictures)

My sleeping babies:

It's Hard To Shoot A Moving Target

I don't think he will really fit in the kilt much longer, which is a shame, because I really wanted Philip to see him in it. So, when I found this hat, I knew we needed a kilt and hat photo shoot. It sure is hard to shoot a moving target though. Especially one that wants to be on your side of the camera, looking at the pictures or just playing free. That is one of the things I want to work on- movement in photography. Here are all the pictures I took of Nater in his kilt.A few are ok- most, a blur!

I Have A Selfish-ish Goal

I have a goal, just for me. It is one of those goals that can be beneficial to others, and therefore, can seem unselfish. But, I guarantee you, my goal was set in complete selfishness. I want. I want. I want. And the thing that I want is to be good at something I love, and to be recognized as being good at something I love. Therefore, my goal is to become an amazing photographer. The type you'd be willing to pay for. Hardest part of my goal, I don't like altered images. Therefore, I don't just want to be an amazing photographer, the type you'd be willing to pay for; I want to be the type of photographer you would be willing to pay for BEFORE digital cameras were invented. The type that could catch great pictures on a roll or two of film- that is what I want to be. And so, to start that goal I present to you my untouched photos from William's seven month shoot. Please tell me what you think, in all honesty. I will be sharing 22/214 photos I took of him. So, I'm definitely still at the digital stage of this goal.